Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
