i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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