i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
