Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
