Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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