I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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