Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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