I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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