She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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