Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
