The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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