She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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