when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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