It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
