Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
