you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
