my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
