chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
