he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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