I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
