i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
