I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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