Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
