I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
