I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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