Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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