I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
