After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
