the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
