while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
