Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
