how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
