The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
