I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
