dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
