If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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