it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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