I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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