I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
