chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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