you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
