Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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