I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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