She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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