I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
