Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
