Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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