I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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