i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
