Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
