If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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