I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
