Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
